Skewpoint 1999 in Review

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1999 in Reskew

As we come to the end of 1999, we ponder: will Y2K become known as YUR2L8T? The fact that we had 40 years to resolve this problem shows how little we've learned about procrastination since our college days when we waited until the last second to pull an all-nighter for a term paper.

1999 should be remembered as the "e year" for "egads,enough with the dot coms already!" Seemed all you needed was any half-ass idea on the Internet that was assured of losing piles of money and you could go public and become an instant billionaire without even having to endure inane questions from Regis Philbin.

In politics we started the year with testimony from Monica on impeachment and ended the year with testimony from Monica on wiretapping. Nothing much else happened. The special interests continue to shower Washington with money as a form of free speech. Evidently no matter how much the parties and candidates have the gall to ask for, no one is ever left speechless.

Herewith are the major stories that shaped the last year of the millennium.

FLYNT CLAIMS THAT DRUDGE IS CLINTON'S LOVE CHILD
Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt disclosed at a press conference that DNA tests confirm that Internet gossip Matt Drudge is the illegitimate son of President Clinton. "He's a true love child of the 60's. My investigators found out that Mr. Drudge has not only been aware of this information but that it became the reason he created his web site. Drudge is seeking revenge for his father's neglect with his crusade to bring down his presidency. He is a scorned man," Flynt said at the Hustler offices in Los Angeles. Flynt claims a physical resemblance between the two men noting they both have bulbous noses.

DEMAND FOR 1 CENT STAMPS CAUSES POST OFFICE TO DOUBLE SERVICE BY OPENING
A SECOND WINDOW
The increase of first class postage to 33 cents has created such a huge demand for 1 cent stamps that the postal service announced they are doubling service. A second window will now be open during the midday peak period when lines have been snaking around the block with customers waiting to purchase stamps. "We want to show the public that we are committed to fast and efficient service and adding a second postal employee to handle the increase will cut the waiting time in half," said a spokeswoman for the postal service. Privately, some post office managers expressed concern that requiring additional duties of postal employees may cause some of them to open fire on the customers. "We're just keeping our fingers crossed," said a manager at New York City's main post office.

AMERICA ONLINE ACCUSES USA OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT FOR USE OF WORD "AMERICA"
America Online filed suit in federal court in Washington, DC accusing the United States government of copyright infringement for widely using the word "America" in the title and marketing of the country. AOL claims de facto exclusive legal use of the word. "We have established the strongest brand in the history of civilization. Whenever anyone sees the word 'America,' they immediately think it should be followed by the word 'online' so we want to avoid any confusion among consumers," said a company spokeswoman. Attorneys for United States intend to vigorously dispute the suit as "frivolous and almost as big a waste of time as the content of the online service itself."

WARNER BROS. STUDIO SUES KEVIN COSTNER FOR UNEXPECTEDLY MAKING HIT MOVIE
In a panic over the potential loss of a massive tax write-off, Warner Bros. studios is suing producer and actor Kevin Costner for the unexpected success of his movie "Message With A Bottle." The film, about an annoying drunk shipbuilder who obsessively leaves messages on a female journalist's answering machine, opened the Valentine's weekend at the top spot to the horror of studio executives who were counting on another abysmal flop from Costner. Following the humiliating reviews and staggering losses of his movies "Waterworld" and "The Postman," Warner Bros. only green-lighted this latest project because it was in need of a substantial deduction for tax purposes. "Costner let us down big time. We were counting on an unmitigated disaster, so now we have no choice but to sue him for damages," said a studio executive.

DC MAYOR'S AIDE QUITS AFTER PHRASE "WHITE WASH" IS TAKEN AS RACIAL SLUR AGAINST WHITES
An aide to Washington, D.C's new Mayor Anthony Williams resigned after his use of the phrase "white wash" was taken as a racial slur against whites. The aide, who is black, used the expression at a city council meeting while stating that he was going to ensure that no one "tried to white wash city corruption." The head of Citizens for White Supremacy attacked the language as racist, claimed that it sounded like a command for white people to wash. "We are a hygienic people and when someone utters a phrase, whether intentionally or not that can be construed as suggesting white people mustwash, that person must resign in disgrace," he said. Mayor Williams, who has publicly vowed to take a niggardly approach to wasteful and corrupt city spending, nevertheless accepted the resignation of his aide to avoid further controversy.

MARINE NATO PILOTS ATTACK CABLE CAR SKI LIFTS THROUGHOUT YUGOSLOVIA.
U.S. Marine pilots flying EA-6B fighter jets successfully completed their first NATO mission cutting the cables of ski lifts throughout Yugoslovia by flying through them. After years of training in the Italian alps to perfect their skills, the pilots destroyed over 90% of their targets at ski resorts. The Serbs are known ski fanatics so the attacks are considered a punishing blow. Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic reacted angrily to the destruction. "Cutting the cables of our ski lifts is an act of sheer brutality by depriving Serbs the joy of schussing down a slope. We will seek revenge," he said. A Marine spokesman said he was not surprised at the success of the mission. "When it comes to flying through gondola cables, our pilots have more experience than anyone else in the world, he said.

GEORGE STUFFINENVELOPES BOOK REVEALS HE WANTED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH BILL CLINTON.
In his barely anticipated book "All Too Inhuman," former Clinton aide George Stuffinenvelopes discloses that he had an obsessive crush on his boss. "I loved Bill with a passion I could never reveal to him. It burned me up whenever that cow Monica pranced into the oval office to service him," he writes. At one point, Stuffinenvelopes became so distraught about not being able to attract Clinton's affections, the he considered having breast implants and wearing a large wig due to the president's proclivity for women with "big boobs and hair." Stuffinenvelopes has come under intense fire from the White House for cashing in on his fame. "That useless troll would still be licking stamps on Capitol Hill if Bill Clinton didn't take him under his wing. Now he's a big shot TV commentator with nothing to say because of my husband…I mean the president," said a close advisor to the president who asked not to be identified.

U.S. WEATHER SERVICE TO SELL CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP OF HURRICANES
In a move toward privatization, the federally funded U.S. Weather Service is offering exclusive corporate sponsorship of hurricanes. Weather Service spokesman Storm Fields said that several major multinational firms have already put in bids to have storm systems named after them. "This represents an enormous marketing opportunity to reach consumers with natural disasters that receive prominent media coverage. In addition to having their named affiliated with a hurricane, we will include the company's slogan with all the storm related information we release," he said. The hurricane sponsorship program may bring in over half a billion dollars during its first year of operation, enabling the service to fund itself as well as fill federal coffers. Brad Shortliver, a marketing executive with Home Depot, revealed that they are first on the official waiting list. "We believe that the day when Hurricane Home Depot pounds the southern US coast, it will the mother of all advertising events for us. We people to think of us when it comes to rebuilding their ravaged homes," he said.

PAMELA LEE ANDERSON HAS BRAIN IMPLANTS REMOVED.
Actress Pamela Lee Anderson, best known for her provocative analysis of the French existentialist Albert Camus, held a news conference in Beverly Hills to announce she had her brain implants removed. "I wanted to return to my natural state of intelligence because frankly the implants were a waste. Despite my thoughtful views on Camus and other intriguing thinkers such as Marcuse, I unfortunately realized I will never be known for anything other than my massive mammary glands," Anderson said before a group of drooling male reporters.

LEWINSKY BRINGS BOOK TOUR TO YUGOSLAVIA
In a desperate attempt to get back in the news she dominated for a year, Monica Lewinsky is heading to Belgrade, Yugoslavia to sign a copy of her book for President Slobodan Milosevic. Lewinsky is reportedly "pissed" that she's been replaced as a lead story by "that Kosovo whatever." According to a source traveling with Lewinsky on her world book tour, she's been bitterly complaining not only about the lack of coverage about her, but that phone calls to President Clinton have not been returned. In an attempt to make Clinton jealous, Lewinsky called Misosevic, who immediately invited her to his presidential palace for an extended visit. "At least one powerful president in the world has the decency to take the time to meet with me," she was overheard saying to her mother on her cell phone.

GORE CAMPAIGN WEB SITE TO USE LATEST AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY AS SOON AS CHINESE HAVE IT READY
The much anticipated presidential campaign web site for Al Gore will soon go online incorporating the latest, cutting edge technology. However, Gore campaign officials indicated that the site has been delayed while Chinese technicians complete the finishing touches. "Their bid to construct the site was far lower than anyone else's, plus we have a long-established relationship with the high tech industry in China," said the campaign's webmaster who simply goes by the name "Spigot." A source in Shanghai revealed that numerous aspects of the Internet technology for the Gore site were adopted from U.S. defense applications.

NATO ACCIDENTALLY BOMBS TURKEY AND GREECE USING OUTDATED MAP FROM THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.
U.S. warplanes accidentally bombed portions of Turkey and Greece due to what NATO military planners claimed was the use of an outdated map of the expansive Turkish Ottoman Empire from the 14th century. The governments of Turkey and Greece are outraged by the massive destruction of neighborhoods in several of their cities including Istanbul and Athens. "We don't know how such a mix-up got through our stringent system of verification. We certainly are red-faced about this little mishap and didn't realize the targeting information supplied by the CIA was 600 years out of date," said a NATO spokesman. An unnamed source at the CIA blamed the faulty information on budget cuts mandated by Congress. "We warned those pinheads on Capitol Hill that if they cut back our resources, the quality of information would suffer," he said.

JESSE JACKSON TRAVELS TO HADES. SAYS "GIVE SATAN A CHANCE."
The Reverend Jesse Jackson traveled on a diplomatic mission to Hades to discuss issues of evil with Satan. Jackson first prayed with Satan before engaging in a marathon 8-hour meeting. The well-known reverend, who manages to immerse himself in top news stories on a yearly basis, had been asked by clergy not to make the journey. Though a White House official publicly confirmed that they also did not support his mission, privately one of the president's aides admitted that on several occasions Mr. Clinton had told Reverend Jackson to "go to hell." Jackson emerged from his 8-hour marathon talks holding hands with Satan and saying he had reached a new understanding of his adversary. "I say give Satan a chance. We developed a framework for negotiations to establish better relations. Of course the devil is in the details but I remain hopeful there will be a breakthrough," Jackson said. CBS News announced that anchor Dan Rather was en route to Hades after securing permission from Satan for an exclusive interview.

RESTORATION OF DA VINCI'S LAST SUPPER SHOWS JOHN LENNON AS PARTICIPANT
After decades of painstakingly restoring Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece fresco, "The Last Supper," the fresco now shows John Lennon seated at the table just to the left of Jesus. The addition of the famous member of the British rock band "The Beatles" as a participant in the final meal of Jesus and his apostles has sparked considerable controversy. Some critics believe that the lead-based paint used by the restoration artists caused brain damage that accounts for the presence of Lennon. Others contend that Lennon's own suspected use of lead-based paint may account for his marriage to Yoko Ono. Supporters of the presence of Lennon at the Last Supper point to the guitarist's statement in the early Sixties that he and his group were "more famous than Jesus Christ." A descendent of the Renaissance painter, Leonardo Di Caprio, was unavailable for comment on the addition to the painting.

NATO UNLOADING SMART BOMBS BECAUSE THEY AREN'T Y2K READY
A high-ranking NATO military source revealed that the actual reason bombing has intensified in Yugoslavia is due to the fact that the computers inside the "smart bombs" are not Y2K compliant. "We're bombing away as fast as we can before there is a peace settlement to get rid of billions of dollars of missiles that will be worthless come January 1st," the source claimed. A Pentagon spokesman denied that the Y2K issue was a factor in the decision to escalate bombing. "That's utter poppycock. We can always reset the on- board missile computers to 1972 as a quick fix since the days of the week align with those of 2000," he said. However, a CIA spy who subsequently denied his own existence, admitted that experimenting with this "quick fix" resulted in the destruction of the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade. "In 1972 that building was the Yugoslavian Communist office of propaganda for the advancement of the Yugo automobile," the spy said.

EBAY TO AUCTION OFF ITS OWN UNRELIABLE WEB SERVER
The online auction site Ebay put its own web site computer server up for auction after it repeatedly crashed and denied millions of its members from bidding on items ranging from Chia Pets to stolen US. Military Surface to Air Missiles. The server, which eBay purchased two years ago from America Online after they upgraded operations to handle more than 36 users simultaneously, has been giving the popular auction site problems over the past month that has resulted in numerous outages. "We're selling that piece of crap and getting a new server with the proceeds," said eBay operations manager Bud Hawkins. When asked how people will be able to place their bids until the new server is purchased, he replied, "Ask the owners, they're the ones who've put me in this #&*(! position. That is, if you can find them. Every time something goes wrong those money bag weasles disappear."

ELIZABETH DOLE CAMPAIGN SUFFERING FROM "ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION"
The lack of funds collected so far by the presidential exploratory committee of Elizabeth Dole is being referred to as "Electile Dysfunction." Unless Mrs. Dole is able to quickly raise more money, she may not be to function in the upcoming election as a serious contender for the oval office. "This is one of the more baffling cases of Electile Dysfunction I have seen. Considering her popularity and experience she should be showing a rise in the polls," said veteran political commentator Jack Germond of The Baltimore Sun. Dole is hoping to pump up her candidacy by stimulating the voters with her grasp of the issues so she can mount a more effective campaign.

NATO WORRIED ABOUT DANGER OF HIDDEN MIMES IN KOSOVO
NATO leaders are worried about the dangerous impact that hidden mimes may have on Albanian refugees returning to Kosovo. Reports coming out of the city of Pristina report several encounters with mimes who caused considerable emotional duress to Albanians who have already suffered months of hardship. "Several of our people were terribly frightened by the site of a mime who came out of hiding in the city square. He started doing the routine where he pretends to be encased in a room with imaginary walls and then proceeded to follow several of them by imitating their manner of walk. People shouldn't have to endure the indignity and trauma associated with mimes after all they've been through," said a refugee. A NATO official in Brussels said he will dispatch a highly trained mime sweeping force as soon as he recovers from excessive gas and stomach pains as a result of drinking tainted Belgium Coke.

MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its monopolistic control over error messages.

Kansas State Board of Education bans teaching of economics: "There's no proof of an invisible hand."

The Kansas State Board of Education voted to ban economics from the curriculum of its public schools citing a "profound lack of scientific evidence" that Adam Smith's invisible hand of economics exists. During a public debate on the issue preceding the vote, members of the state board expressed concern that students were being indoctrinated into capitalism based upon a leap of faith in a hand that cannot be proven. "If it's invisible, we cannot see it and therefore it does not exist. In addition this concept flies in the face of our requirement that students of Kansas public schools keep their hands visible at all times," said board member Faith Mercy. High school economics teachers from Kansas were indignant at the ban. "Granted there is considerable economic theory that doesn't seem connected to the real world, but this demonstrates the laws of supply and demand work. The school board demands we stop teaching economics and we supply an abundance of reasons why they're nuts," said teacher Herb Stinson.

YELTSIN APPOINTS TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA AS NEW PRIME MINISTER. "I WANT SOMEONE OBEDIENT AND POPULAR" YELTSIN SAYS.
After sacking his 15th Prime Minister since the beginning of August, Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced that his latest nominee is the Chihuahua, made world famous by the Taco Bell television advertising campaign. In a televised address that was not carried by any of the Russian stations out of lack of public interest, Yeltsin cited the need to have someone in that position who is popular and can command respect as well as remain fully obedient to his master. Yeltsin noted that in keeping with the tradition of his previously named Prime Ministers, the rodent-sized dog shall remain nameless. He expressed confidence that his latest selection will be approved by the lower house of parliament, who he intends to fire before voting commences. Alarmed opposition leaders responded to the president's latest cabinet move with a statement that exclaimed it was time for the Russian people to "make a run for the border."

GM TO RECALL CUP HOLDERS ON MILLIONS OF VEHICLES
Faced with a $3 trillion class action lawsuit from dissatisfied customers, General Motors announced that it is recalling millions of its cars, SUV's and trucks to replace a cup holder that was not properly fitted to handle "Slurpees" and other magnum-size drinks. The suit, handled by the New York firm of Soke, Ehm & Goode, charges the automotive giant with "reckless design in an inferior cup holder" that they claim caused motorists to suffer dehydration since they were forced to buy drinks in smaller containers that properly fit without causing spillage. "GM clearly knows that the cup holder is the most important feature of their vehicles and we consider this a reckless disregard for the concerns of the consumer," said one of the lawyers handling the suit. A spokesman for GM said his company decided it was more prudent to launch an immediate recall than expend the mammoth legal fees required to defend themselves. An internal memo from GM that leaked to the press indicates that GM engineers deliberately used a smaller cup holder. Evidently they feared that the larger size would encourage greater consumption of beverages which could result in a lawsuit against GM for delaying travel by forcing the driver and passengers of their vehicles to make frequent stops at rest facilities.

SOLDIERS WITHOUT BORDERS WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
The mercenary group, Soldiers Without Borders, won the 1999 Nobel Peace Prize due to their "selfless pioneering work in promoting armed conflict to bring about peace" according to the Norwegian Nobel Committee. The prize, which normally goes to an individual cited for his or her contributions toward global peace, was awarded to the controversial group for its long history of escalating regional and ethnic hostilities around the world into battles that warrant U.S. military aid as well as the presence of CNN reporter Christiane Amanpour. "I am deeply moved by the recognition we are finally receiving for our work dispatching highly skilled mercenary soldiers to conduct war efficiently and safely in the name of peace," said group founder Bertrand Duboi from his offices in Paris, France. Amanpour, covering the coup in Pakistan, was "thrilled with the selection and said "without Soldiers Without Borders I would have never achieved such success as an international television star."

BUCHANAN SAYS DISEASE-CARRYING NY MOSQUITOES NOT THREAT TO AMERICA. CLINTON GRANTS THEM CLEMENCY
After presidential candidate Pat Buchanan stated that he did not think that disease-carrying mosquitoes in New York City posed a "vital threat to American interests," President Clinton seized on the opportunity to grant them clemency. Though the encephalitis virus being spread by mosquitoes has claimed the lives of several people and hundreds of birds, Buchanan felt the overall risk was relatively minor. "The fact that it knocks out some frail exotic birds at the zoo and possibly some illegal aliens or at least people of foreign origin who have no right to be in this country is no reason to get alarmed," Buchanan said during an appearance on Larry King Live. President Clinton, mindful of animal rights activist support for his wife's senate campaign, issued an executive order granting clemency to all New York mosquitoes facing the death penalty with insecticide spraying. "There are only a few bad mosquitoes in the swarm and they've been punished enough," Clinton said.

FORMER EAST GERMANS: REBUILD THE WALL, CAPITALISM SUCKS
At the ten year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, a new poll finds that over 98% of former East Germans would prefer to rebuild the wall, return to communism and be left "the hell" alone. "Capitalism truly sucks. The unemployment benefits aren't worth the casing on a knockwurst. I want my old job back at the Trabant factory filling wiper fluid," said Hans Wessel who's been unemployed for a decade. A former interrogator for the secret police expressed similar sentiments. "What job am I qualified for now? No company wants to use my proven methods for extracting information from competitors except for a law firm in the United States, but I'm not moving," he said. A German economist believes the time has come to rebuild the wall. "The former East Germans are basically shiftless, lazy and pampered and the rest of Germany doesn't want to support them anymore. So we'll keep Berlin and seal off of the rest of their territory again," said Jurgen Wissenshaft.

JUDGES CONCLUDES THAT POKEMON IS AGGRESSIVE MONOPOLY
Federal Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson concluded that the animated characters known as Pokemon was a monopoly that used bullying tactics to stifle competition in cartoons. In his findings, as a result of the antitrust case brought against Pokemon by the Department of Justice, Jackson used harsh, damning language to accuse Ash Ketchum and his Pokemon pals of predatory practices to capture the minds and money of youth worldwide. "They threatened Gameboy producers and television stations and even other aspiring cartoon characters to ensure the Pokemon monopoly endured. This hurt innovation and competition in pocket games and the art of animation," Jackson wrote in an excerpt from his stinging, kick-in-the-nuts ruling. A spokescharacter for Pokemon denied any wrong doing and vowed to aggressively train to defend themselves from the "evil clutches of big government."

GORE TO FOLLOW ADVICE OF FEMINIST ADVISOR AND UNDERGO SEX CHANGE
In the boldest move yet of his struggling campaign, Al Gore is following the advice of one his closest advisors and will undergo a gender transformation in order to become a woman. Feminist Naomi Wolf, who is on retainer as a campaign consultant to advise Gore on women voters, persuaded the Vice President that becoming a female candidate is his only viable option to significantly increase support. Gore had intended to secretly undergo the change until word leaked out from campaign staff members who opposed the move. Wolf contends in a confidential memo to Gore that women desire a strong female leader with the sensitive qualities that Gore has exhibited, which she terms the "alpha female." After being confronted with the startling revelation, Gore initially claimed no "controlling authority" over the direction of his gender, but subsequently acknowledged that he will in fact become "Alice" within the next few weeks.

EGGS OF MARILYN MONROE TO BE AUCTIONED BY CHRISTIE'S
Preserved eggs from actress Marilyn Monroe are to be auctioned by Christie's in New York City . Among couples interested in bidding on the eggs are the Ramseys, formerly of Boulder Colorado and now living in Texas. "We would love to have a daughter with the sex appeal of Marilyn Monroe so we could enter her in beauty pageants," said Mrs. Ramsey. Christie's is gearing up for what they predict will be a bidding frenzy in person and online. "The opening bid will probably be at least $100 million but it will quickly escalate. Anything related to Marilyn sells fantastically well," said one of the auctioneers. The authenticity of the eggs was verified by The New York Times.

MARS POLAR LANDER UNABLE TO PHONE HOME DUE TO WRONGLY PROGRAMMED 10-10 LONG DISTANCE SERVICE.
Red-faced NASA engineers explained at a press conference that the Mars Polar Lander is unable to properly phone home because an inexperienced programmer mistakenly entered the wrong combination of numbers for a discount long distance service. Due to budget cutbacks, the space agency had hoped to save millions in communications by using a wireless phone in conjunction with a cheap long distance carrier. The programmer was off by one digit when he sequenced 10-10-5324-7835-7992-4783 for the popular CheapTalk service into the Polar Lander's onboard cell phone. So instead of properly connecting, it dials a non-existent number. This latest embarrassment for NASA comes on the heels of the loss of the Mars Orbitor as a result of a failure to convert English to metric measurements by an engineer who has since become a day trader.

E-FENCE STOLEN GOODS INTERNET SITE IS WALL STREET FAVORITE
The first Internet auction site dealing exclusively in stolen goods made a splash on Wall Street after its initial public offering caused the stock to increase in value tenfold by day's end. "E-fence is able to undercut all the legitimate auction sites by a wide margin. When you add that they have an unlimited supply of merchandise and you can count on items either being in stock or looted and fenced within 24 hours you have a winner," said a financial analyst with a leading New York investment firm. A spokesman for E-Fence, speaking on a pay phone from an undisclosed federal penitentiary, noted that raising the initial capital to launch the site was surprisingly easy. "There's a lot of money out there and frankly investors don't give a damn what it's for as long as there is a good potential return," he said. Visa announced an exclusive arrangement with E-Fence to accept their credit card for transactions as part of its "everywhere you want to be" campaign.