The Pluperfect Virus
By Cybersatirist Bob Hirschfeld of bobsfridge.com
(This column originally appeared in The Washington Post's Outlook section )

    A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more

insidious than last week's Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after

the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that

have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection

abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

    The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America,

which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and

mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an

Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried

to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message:

'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off

by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' 

I threw my laptop across the room."

    A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,

10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept

coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a

pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I

crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created

this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

    A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, old"

days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated

that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major

who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on

margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged

through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while 

bareling down the xway.' "

    If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a

communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of

1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees'

productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their

thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity

because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

    Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as an

e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes

active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled

"Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click

here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of

"effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an

inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

    The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at

the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic

versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems

to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The

White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same

message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

    Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who

used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

    The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire

network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer

system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had

somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and

leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

    There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a

harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to

exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one of

the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever

encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to

tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI

agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying

to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

    Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for

Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."