Rumors circulated that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly was a driving force behind the FCC action against Franken. “I only wish I had thought of this because that liberal, socialist, tool of Satan deserves to get his ugly ass nailed. He even stole the name of my show and I think a lot of Fox listener’s will be confused by this when they hear the “O’Franken factor,” O’Reilly said from his New York office at Fox News.

    Al Franken says he’s stunned by the government action but not surprised. “This administration views me like Richard Clarke with a sense of humor. Although if I were a real threat, Condoleeza Rice would have downgraded me to a mere nuisance,” he said.  

  The White House launched a fierce attack to discredit President Bush after he made the startling admission to a reporter that his administration didn’t sufficiently focus on terrorism when he came into office. Bush said in light of the information released by the 9/11 commission he concluded that “mistakes were made and perhaps I was misled by some of my cabinet on Iraq as well.”

  Within an hour, Vice President Cheney phoned Rush Limbaugh and told the conservative radio host and his millions of listeners that Bush didn’t know what he was talking about because he “was out of the loop.” “Frankly we downgraded his position to one of less influence so what I think you have here is the opinion of someone bearing a grudge,” Cheney said on the program.

  National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice hurriedly appeared in the White House press room and said that the president has a credibility problem. “If you look at all his statements prior to now, they’re at complete odds with each other so you can’t believe what he is saying now,” Rice said. She also released a note she claims the president sent her last year commending her as “the greatest security advisor this nation has ever known due to her highest priority of battling terrorism, evil and of course terrorism.”

  Columnist Robert Novak said he received a call from a White House staff member who informed him that if Bush doesn’t retract his mea culpa and get in line, Cheney will authorize Operation Bush Whack.  

   Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is recommending that U.S. military forces occupy Spain as part of the administration’s on going campaign to establish democracies in troubled regions of the world.

  “Their election was a total sham. Just because a small minority of what, 90% of the people wanted to pull out of Iraq, those cowards voted a an El Qaeda coddling, socialist leader. This is the problem with the eunuchs of Old Europe. They have no balls,” Rumsfeld told reporters at his pentagon briefing.

  The secretary went on to explain that a true democracy cannot function when fear is used to manipulate the results. “We’re at war with terrorism so when the citizens of a country make the mistake of ousting an incumbent who’s shown steady leadership in times of change, then they may suffer consequences that frankly I don't even want to mention,” Rumsfeld said.

  Rumsfeld said he is drawing up contingency plans for regime change in Spain and will present them to the president in a matter of days.

Iraq’s puppet council signed a historic constitution establishing a new government after an impasse was resolved over an amendment banning gay marriage. The amendment has been pressed upon the members by the U.S. administrator in Iraq who contended that a constitutional ban would demonstrate to the world that Iraqis uphold the true principles of democracy, equality and freedom.

  Shiite council members had objected to the measure, contending that this was an issue of individual tribe rights rather than a constitutional one. “We thought you’d have to be out of your mind to tamper with the constitution on such a volatile issue,” said one of the Shiite council members.

  The fact that the council was able to agree on a framework for a constitution at all was hailed as significant achievement considering the diversity and varied concerns of its members. In addition to 13 Shiites, it includes five Kurds, Five Sunni Arabs, two members of Bechtel and Halliburton and one member of the Martha Stewart jury. 

   Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich stunned political observers with a big win in Haiti, where he will now face a yet to be determined opposition leader in the country’s general election.

   “I knew my message of peace would connect with people somewhere and this shows the fine people of Haiti recognize a great leader. The press can now stop referring to me as Dennis the Menace,” Kucinich said from his Super Tuesday victory celebration at a Motel Six in Cleveland, Ohio. Kucinich told his supporter gathered near the vending machine of the lobby that he will continue his quest for higher office where he is appreciated.

   Kucinich, a congressman from Ohio, said he plans to arrive in the embattled tropical island to organize his campaign as soon as he does his laundry. He also issued a warning to independent candidate Ralph Nader to stay out of Haiti. “Ralph, you keep your pathetic need to stroke your ego out of my new homeland,” he said.

   Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader angrily refuted an Internet gossip report of a spring break affair last year with intern twins. According to a world, universal and galactic exclusive report in the Slime Report, Nader was alleged to have conducted a wild, carnal affair with twins named Tammy and Willow over a two week period in Florida. The two had served as interns the previous summer in Washington at Public Citizen. The report included details of Nader dressing like a shepherd and chasing the girls around the hotel courtyard screaming “I’m unsafe at any speed.” 

  The Slime Report also claimed that every major news organization had dropped all other reporting to devote their full resources to this story. “This will rock the very pillars of democracy and will surely become the biggest story of the century, if not history of mankind,” the Internet gossip site exclaimed in large type followed by several dozen exclamation points.

  The twins issued a statement from their dorm room at an undisclosed university denying that affair and noting that they had not only never met Nader, but found him “like totally gross.”  

   A typo in a report released by the White House to Congress mistakenly claimed that Bush's economic program will create 2.6 million jobs.

  “I knew something was wrong when I saw the final copy of the report because our best estimate is that my massive tax cuts will create 2.6 jobs by the end of the year.” Bush told reporters in the oval office.

  Leading economists, who were grossly skeptical of the original figure, accepted the corrected one as fairly accurate. “I’d say give or take a job, that’s probably in line with what we expect from this administration considering 2.3 million jobs have been lost under their watch,” said a financial analyst.

    A member of the president’s economic team, who asked to remain anonymous, said the confusion occurred when estimates were being created for the growth of outsourced jobs in countries like India. “Ironically that figure is around 2.6 million jobs so someone at the government printing office mistakenly switched them,” he said.  

   President Bush will appoint an independent commission to investigate who at the CIA was responsible for forcing him to go to war against Iraq using bogus intelligence. 

  “I want to uncover the boob who didn’t properly keep me abreast of the true situation in Iraq. We must expose the naked truth of what went wrong and I will not stand for any cover-up,” Bush said in the White House cabinet room.

  This investigation of intelligence on weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and other axis of evil countries joins the growing list of commissions that are already looking into 9/11 intelligence, the outing of a CIA operative and the true identity of a turkey double Bush carried when he fed troops in Iraq.  

   President Bush defended his decision to invade Iraq by claiming that sticky notes found in Saddam’s rat hole indicated the former dictator harbored fantasies about developing weapons of mass destruction related potentialities for future possible  programs. “We couldn’t afford to let these fantasies grow into a full blown delusional threat to world peace and the very existence of mankind, so we had no choice but to take him out on my timetable without any freakin permission slips,” Bush said from the oval office.

  The president made the comments in light of an admission by his former chief weapons inspector in Iraq that Saddam’s weapons had been destroyed years ago under contract with Halliburton when Dick Cheney was its CEO. Democrats demanded an inquiry into the intelligence that was used by the White House to justify the war but President Bush termed the request “treasonous, hate speech and once again comparing him to Hitler.”

  On a barren, desolate parcel of land in Iowa, NASA’s Iowa rover successfully beamed back the first 3D photos of the Democratic Candidates. Mission engineers were ecstatic over the quality of the high resolution images that provide an intriguing view of what the candidates must actually look like in real life. Reporters, wearing green and red glasses to properly view the depth of the images, uncharacteristically burst into applause.

  “My reaction was utter shock and awe to comprehend the shape and size of the candidates through this miracle of technology without having to actually venture to such an inhospitable terrain,” said rover director Tad Von Braun. “I had no idea John Kerry towers over the others like some sort of abominable creature,” he added.

  Scientists immediately began analyzing the information gleamed from the photos to learn more about the eight Democrats participating in an ancient, Pagan ritual known as caucuses. “We hope this information will provide some insight into a better understanding of these little known creatures,” said a NASA scientist.

  The Pentagon announced that Italian conglomerate Parmalat was awarded an exclusive, no-bid contract to provide dairy products to Iraq. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld cited the decision as an example of standing behind coalition members who supported the war.

  “We reward our friends who stood by us. Most importantly, for reasons of utmost national security, we can only deal with trusted companies of coalition partners who provide the integrity necessary to rebuild Iraq,” Rumsfeld said.

  Parmalat executives where delighted with the announcement, especially in light of the fact that they didn’t even bid for it. “Who knew that being a business based in Italy would turn into such a lucrative factor for us?” said a company executive on his way to questioning for charges of massive fraud.