2002  Skewpoint Archives

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A Look Back At Summer 2002 The season began with an outbreak of wild fires in Colorado, New Mexico and Oregon that evidently started when a defective batch of charcoal briquettes were found to be actually flammable. President Bush reacted with a new policy initiative, “Clear Forests,” that he claims will resolve the threat of fires by eliminating forests. This summer brought the first images of corporate executives in handcuffs as they were arrested with much fanfare for suspected wrongdoing. Some of them face the maximum punishment of up to five weeks in a minimum security prison that lacks tennis balls and premium cable service. Martha Stewart became tainted by corporate scandal as a result of suspected insider trading. The domestic diva insists that the sale of ImClone stock for a tidy profit only days before she demonstrated how to cut the subsequently useless ImClone stock certificates into paper doilies in a TV appearance was pure coincidence. America Online made the stunning admission as part of restating its earnings that instead of thirty million members, it only has thirty members who were mistakenly billed a million times.  In addition, the company’s accounting department blamed lost revenue on missing invoices sent to clients via AOL’s unreliable email system. A high level Time Warner executive termed the troubled merger with AOL as “Sinergy.” US Airways filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after reporting significant lost profits. A company spokesperson attributed the loss to the placement of baggage tags on the profits. “They’ll never turn up judging from past experience,” she said. Another company that spent the summer burdened with problems was Amtrak. The struggling train operator suspended service on their high-speed Acela service when inspectors discovered that several of the cars were resting on cinder blocks at Union Station in Washington DC as a result of wheel theft.  Amtrak infuriated passengers when they used cattle cars as a substitute to carry them to their destinations.  Attorney General John Ashcroft revealed that the leading suspect in the anthrax investigation is Richard Jewell. Aschroft termed Jewell a “person not only of interest but obvious guilt” in the deadly mailings. “This time we’re going to get him,” Ashcroft told reporters during one of his thrice daily press briefings that has given the Attorney General more headlines than his boss at the White House.    The nation’s capital became embroiled in political scandal when Mayor Anthony Williams retained Arthur Anderson to handle the collection of signatures to put him on the ballot for the Democratic primary. When the election board received the materials, they contained boxes of used Florida ballots from the presidential election. Williams denied any knowledge of the sham but was given a community service sentence of filling in all the pot holes that he had promised to repair when he first entered office. The Congressional Budget Office released an alarming report that the projected budgets surplus of several trillion dollars has virtually disappeared and the government may go into the red. A CBO economist explained the pending losses by the president’s promise to “run his administration  like a business.”  Vice President Cheney vehemently denied reports that years ago he replaced the former CEO of Halliburton through the use of military force. Al Gore sued Fox television claiming that the title of their talent series “American Idol” is a name he created for himself years ago.   CEO’s Found To Be Al Qaeda Cell Trained To Ruin U.S. Economy Documents seized by the FBI during a raid on an Al Qaeda safe house in a remote town of Pakistan reveal that a large contingent of American CEOs were part of a secret operation designed to wreak havoc on the U.S. economy. The plans detail how these high profile men were lured to clandestine meetings in the Cayman Islands during the late 90’s for what they thought were workshops on illegal tax shelters taught by Arthur Anderson. The sessions actually turned out to be a front for an Al Qaeda operation.  The CEOs who attended were promised 72 beautiful virgins once they arrived in heaven if they caused the pillars of strength of the U.S. economy to collapse by shaking the very foundation of capitalism. “This finally explains how these CEOs could have behaved in such a brazenly unethical, destructive manner that greed alone couldn’t explain. The virgin lure works every time. These executives succeeded in damaging the economy far beyond the expectations that Al Qaeda had for them,” said a professor of business ethics at a major university. Several CEOs accused of causing the downfall of their companies issued a joint statement claiming the documents are false and denying any connection to Al Qaeda by explaining their actions as “pure, unadulterated self-enrichment and nothing more.” Ashcroft Claims Colorado Fire Suspect Is Al Qaeda Operative Attorney General John Ashcroft accused Colorado forest service employee Terry Barton of being a member of the Al Qaeda terrorist group who used fire as a weapon of mass destruction. “I doubt the letter she burned was in anger from her estranged husband, but rather instructions from Al Qaeda to begin her operation of conflagration . She fits the profile of a dangerous terrorist and Barton sounds like a Muslim name,” Ashcroft said about the part-time forest technician and mother of two. Ashcroft wants Barton interrogated and brought before a military tribunal. “The people of Colorado and the rest of nation as well should be thankful that I am diligently taking action against those who are evil,” Ashcroft said at the Justice Department during his fifth press conference of the day in which he also announced a pay raise for poultry inspectors even though this isn’t under the jurisdiction of his department.  Barton’s husband disputes the charge by Ashcroft and claims the letter she had was from him and that in it he urged her to get anger management counseling. Bush Proposes Department Of Home Depot Security President Bush proposed a major reorganization of the government with the creation of a new agency, the Department of Home Depot Security. “This will be a one stop shop for all our security needs to fight terrorism. We’re going to warehouse a wide variety of government departments under one roof, use off the shelf solutions and cut down on bureaucratic overhead by having fewer supervisors to mess things up,” Bush said from the oval office in a televised address to the nation. If approved by Congress, the new department would be nearly as massive as the Bureau of Landfill, Septic Tank and Compost Oversight.  It will have an annual budget of $38 billion that will be lifted from the social security trust fund through an accounting ploy. The creation of the department will also add another member to the president’s cabinet with the establishment of a secretary to oversee it. Though no candidates have yet to be announced by the White House, several strong contenders rumored to be under consideration include Ken Lay, former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and Adelphia Communications founder John Rigas. FBI Issues Warning Of Peal Harbor Attack Over Half A Century Late The FBI announced that after the painstaking process of analyzing intelligence from numerous sources, it concluded that the Japanese were intending to bomb Pearl Harbor in a surprise attack. “It took us a while to connect all the dots, but we believe better late than never. The bureau wanted to be thorough before issuing a false warning,” said one of the agents who has spent the past six decades sifting through intercepts and intelligence reports received prior to  the December 7, 1941 attack. The report was immediately passed along to the White House for inclusion in the president’s daily national security briefing. “Much good it will do over there.  They’ll probably wait until the president is back in Crawford on vacation with his mind on chopping wood before they inform him about this,” said a source at the bureau.  U.S. Catholic Church Proposes Tough “3 Boys And You’re Out” Policy American Cardinals issue a new proposal aimed at the growing scandal involving priests and minors. “We intend to demonstrate that we will not tolerate this kind of sinful behavior anymore. Therefore we’re committed to a tough, stringent policy of three boys and you’re out,” said Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston. While priests around the country publicly applauded the stance and vowed support, privately many were inquiring whether the boy tally includes past history or begins once the ordinance officially becomes policy. “It makes a big difference for a number of us to calculate how much longer we can remain,” said a priest confidentially between confessions. A spokesman for an organization of lay members of the Catholic church criticized the proposal as insufficient and characterized it as “yet another Cardinal sin.” White House Denies Involvement With Coup Attempt Against Senator Daschle White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer denied accusations by Democrats that the administration was involved in the failed coup attempt of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle. Several days ago Fleischer had announced that Daschle “resigned” from office and was vacationing in the Carribean only hours after he was reported missing. South Dakota Governor Bill Janklow immediately appointed a former Enron executive to replace Daschle, putting the Senate back in Republican control. When a reporter discovered that Daschle was being held as a prisoner at the US naval base in Guantanamo Bay, he was quickly returned to Washington by embarrassed military escorts who claimed the senator was inspecting the facilities of Al Queda prisoners. While the White House has not hid its displeasure with Daschle’s leadership of the Senate, it disputes any claims of involvement in trying to remove him from office by still unknown rogue operatives. “We respect that Senator Daschle is democratically elected to office, we just hope he respects that challenging a president in a time of war is undemocratic,” Fleischer said. White House Brings In Mr. Rogers To Explain Its Middle East Policy Pioneering children’s television host Mr. Rogers appeared with President Bush at the White House press room to explain the administration’s position on the Middle East. “I’m being harshly criticized for having a confusing policy regarding the strife between Israel and the Palestinians so I’ve asked Mr. Rogers to make it clear for you,” Bush told the reporters. The 74 year-old Rogers wore his trademark red cardigan as he conducted his briefing. “The situation in the Middle East is very complicated. Can you say complicated? Sure you can. Now some people think Mr. Arafat is evil. At times he can be, but he’s not an axis of evil, so that is why we still must talk to him. Can you say axis? Sure you can. We hope we can get Mr. Arafat and Mr. Sharon together so they can give each other a hug and stop the fighting,” Rogers said. Government Says “The Box,” The Standard Of Conventional Thinking, Is Missing The National Institute of Standards and Technology reported that “the Box,” the official government standard for conventional thinking, is missing from its suburban Washington headquarters. “This could have a devastating impact on businesses who claim they think outside of the box. Without it they have no verification,” said a spokesperson for the agency. Security guards at the facility have not determined how the irreplaceable item was stolen though they did conclude it was through unconventional means. “I’m ruined if they don’t locate the box. All my clients hired me  because I assured them my approaches were far beyond its boundaries. Without government certification for thinking outside of the box  I’m just like anyone else looking for a gimic to get  work,” said a business consultant who specializes in startup companies. An FBI agent assigned to the case indicated he intends to search eBay for the missing government property.   INS Grants Elian Gonzalez U.S. Citizenship A letter was received at the Miami home of the great uncle of Elian Gonzalez granting the young boy permanent status as a U.S. citizen two years after his relatives applied for it. It arrived postage due. “Oh yeah this is real helpful. I’ll put this with my Enron stock certificate,” said Lazaro Gonzalez. An INS official explained the fact the application took 24 months to approve shows that the streamlining in government program is having results. “Normally the process can take five to six years so we’re proud to have completed this in record time,” she said. A Gonzalez cousin indicated they may still try to take action to get Elian back. “We’re thinking of sending the fisherman who found him back to Cuba on a raft to with these citizenship papers to retrieve him,” she said. Senate Democrats Pass Economic Stagnation Bill Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle prevailed in getting his fellow Democrats to pass an economic stagnation bill aimed at slowing down the recovery before the Fall elections. Coming only weeks after Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan declared that “once again the economy rocks,” Democrats feared losing the recession as an issue to campaign against President Bush and the Republicans. Though the bill is going to be vetoed by the president, Daschle wanted the Democrats on record as obstructing the recovery out of principle. “While we all as patriotic Americans wish for a robust economy, we need to slow it down and make sure it’s going to be the right economy before it ends up Enronized in an Andersonian sort of way,” Daschle proclaimed on the senate floor. Britney Spears 7th Most Profitable Corporation In U.S. Popular pop singer Britney Spears has become the seventh most profitable corporation in the United States according to the latest report from her accounting firm Arthur Andersen. Spears had gross profits of $2.4 billion in 2001 and employs over 175, 000 including special assistants, stage hands, tummy makeup artists and teddy bear handlers. "It's a Britney world and as she expands and diversifies within a few years she'll be bigger than AOL Time Warner," said a financial analyst in New York.  Later this year, Spears plans to open a chain of restaurants, clothing stores and naval piercing salons nation-wide. Asked about her growing financial empire, the young performer exclaimed "It's like so oh my God totally awesome." Bush Warns Of "Evil Of Axes" During Asian Tour President Bush added axes to the enemies list of the United States in a foreign policy speech delivered in South Korea during his Asian tour. The president warned that strong action may be necessary to contain what he termed the “evil of axes.” “Many of these terrorist groups have axes to grind and they intend to use them for evil. There are future Lizzie Bin Bordens lurking out there who plan to do harm if we are not vigilant about preventing an incident with an ax or ‘axcident’,” Bush told a gathering of diplomats. One of the president’s national security advisors revealed that the administration will ask congress for an additional three billion dollars in emergency defense spending to conduct research on an anti-ax defense missile system. “Not all terrorist organizations are high tech and we need to be prepared for anything,” he said. Suspended French Skating Judge NamedTo Enron Board The French figure skating judge who was suspended from the Winter Olympics has been named to the board of directors of Enron. “Frankly we wanted someone who is easily intimidated, capable of withholding judgement and will do what she is told,” explained an Enron executive who asked to remain anonymous. The controversial judge, Marie-Reine Le Goug, immediately accepted the offer for an undisclosed sum that she stipulated must be paid in cash. “She felt the need to get away from controversy, especially the media, and settle down in a low profile position that will require little of her attention,” said a close friend. Enron announced her appointment to their board in a press release that claimed her ability to help steer the future course of the company will be “as good as gold.” Olympic Torch Lit By Massive Fire Bomb As Warning To Evildoers   Following intense speculation as to who would light the Olympic torch at the opening ceremonies, in a dramatic surprise, a U.S. Air Force B-52 flew over the site and dropped a 15,000 pound fire bomb to ignite it. The  "daisy cutter" bomb exploded into a massive fireball that briefly hovered over the Olympic stadium and a five mile radius beyond. Although spectators in the top rows were singed, the crowd roared its approval at the display of might intended as a warning to evildoers world-wide to stay away. The tall metal tower holding the torch high above the stadium leaned askew as a result of the blast, resembling a modern day tower of Pisa.  Pentagon officials dismissed this as minor "collatoral damage" and declared the torch lighting a resounding success. No evildoers were available for comment. Bush Proposes Tax Cuts For The 2nd Homeless President Bush returned to his theme of “compassionate conservatism” by proposing a tax break for the second homeless. The president extolled the hardships facing those who lack a vacation residence during a speech in Washington before corporate accountants. “The plight of the second homeless is a situation that is suffered by millions who lack a private residence for essential leisure. Even my own mother-in-law is a victim of this injustice,” Bush said to thunderous applause.  The legislation proposed by the administration eliminates the burden of real estate taxes on those purchasing a second home in addition to their primary residence. "We're going to make this a matter of patiotism to get it passed by congress," an aide to the president explained. Kmart Accused Of Shredding Profits The Kmart retail chain is accused of shredding money to hide profits after failing to retain the services of accounting firm Arthur Anderson to set up off shore tax shelters. “We were hit with an unexpected windfall of cash due to unusually high sales over the holidays. This would have meant paying taxes if we didn’t take extreme action,” said a Kmart executive who requested anonymity. FBI agents showed up at the corporate headquarters in Troy, Michigan after receiving tips that employees were shoving piles of hundred dollar bills into paper shredders. Kmart had repeatedly tried to hire Arthur Anderson so they could successfully avoid paying any corporate tax. In a panic, one of Kmart’s financial officers sent an email instructing employees to “get rid of the profits using any means necessary.”  Kennedy Is Suspected Source Of Killer Pretzel Only days after President Bush vowed that taxes would only be raised "over his dead body," Senator Edward Kennedy presented him with a basket of pretzels from a famous Massachusetts bakery during a visit to the White House. The two were meeting to continue their on-going discussions regarding an education bill. In light of the president's fainting episode after choking on a pretzel, Attorney General Ashcroft has detained the remaining pretzels for questioning and launched an investigation. "We find it rather suspicious that Kennedy called for a tax increase over the weekend. Since I had to recuse myself from Enron, I have plenty of time to look into this," Ashcroft said. A spokesman for Kennedy denied any wrongdoing. "There's no Pretzelgate here. President Bush would have been wise to follow his father's example when faced with the threat of choking and violently thrown up as he once did in Japan," the spokesman said.

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