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A Look Back At Summer 2002 This summer brought the first images of corporate executives in handcuffs as they were arrested with much fanfare for suspected wrongdoing. Some of them face the maximum punishment of up to five weeks in a minimum security prison that lacks tennis balls and premium cable service. Martha Stewart became tainted by corporate scandal as a result of suspected insider trading. The domestic diva insists that the sale of ImClone stock for a tidy profit only days before she demonstrated how to cut the subsequently useless ImClone stock certificates into paper doilies in a TV appearance was pure coincidence. America Online made the stunning admission as part of restating its earnings that instead of thirty million members, it only has thirty members who were mistakenly billed a million times. In addition, the companys accounting department blamed lost revenue on missing invoices sent to clients via AOLs unreliable email system. A high level Time Warner executive termed the troubled merger with AOL as Sinergy. US Airways filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after reporting significant lost profits. A company spokesperson attributed the loss to the placement of baggage tags on the profits. Theyll never turn up judging from past experience, she said. Another company that spent the summer burdened with problems was Amtrak. The struggling train operator suspended service on their high-speed Acela service when inspectors discovered that several of the cars were resting on cinder blocks at Union Station in Washington DC as a result of wheel theft. Amtrak infuriated passengers when they used cattle cars as a substitute to carry them to their destinations. Attorney General John Ashcroft revealed that the leading suspect in the anthrax investigation is Richard Jewell. Aschroft termed Jewell a person not only of interest but obvious guilt in the deadly mailings. This time were going to get him, Ashcroft told reporters during one of his thrice daily press briefings that has given the Attorney General more headlines than his boss at the White House. The nations capital became embroiled in political scandal when Mayor Anthony Williams retained Arthur Anderson to handle the collection of signatures to put him on the ballot for the Democratic primary. When the election board received the materials, they contained boxes of used Florida ballots from the presidential election. Williams denied any knowledge of the sham but was given a community service sentence of filling in all the pot holes that he had promised to repair when he first entered office. The Congressional Budget Office released an alarming report that the projected budgets surplus of several trillion dollars has virtually disappeared and the government may go into the red. A CBO economist explained the pending losses by the presidents promise to run his administration like a business. Vice President Cheney vehemently denied reports that years ago he replaced the former CEO of Halliburton through the use of military force. Al Gore sued Fox television claiming that the title of their talent series American Idol is a name he created for himself years ago.
CEOs Found To Be Al Qaeda
Cell Trained
Documents seized by the FBI during
a raid on an Al Qaeda safe house in a remote town of Pakistan reveal that
a large contingent of American CEOs were part of a secret operation designed
to wreak havoc on the U.S. economy. The plans detail how these high profile
men were lured to clandestine meetings in the Cayman Islands during the late
90s for what they thought were workshops on illegal tax shelters taught
by Arthur Anderson.
Ashcroft Claims Colorado Fire
Suspect
Is Al Qaeda Operative
Attorney General John Ashcroft
accused Colorado forest service employee Terry Barton of being a member of
the Al Qaeda terrorist group who used fire as a weapon of mass destruction.
I doubt the letter she burned was in anger from her estranged husband,
but rather instructions from Al Qaeda to begin her operation of
conflagration
. She fits the profile
of a dangerous terrorist and Barton sounds like a Muslim name, Ashcroft
said about the part-time forest technician and mother of two. Ashcroft wants
Barton interrogated and brought before a military tribunal. The people
of Colorado and the rest of nation as well should be thankful that I am
diligently taking action against those who are evil, Ashcroft said
at the Justice Department during his fifth press conference of the day in
which he also announced a pay raise for poultry inspectors even though this
isnt under the jurisdiction of his department. Bartons
husband disputes the charge by Ashcroft and claims the letter she had was
from him and that in it he urged her to get anger management counseling.
Bush Proposes Department
Of Home Depot Security
If approved by Congress, the new
department would be nearly as massive as the Bureau of Landfill, Septic Tank
and Compost Oversight. It will have an annual budget of $38 billion
that will be lifted from the social security trust fund through an accounting
ploy. The creation of the department will also add another member to the
presidents cabinet with the establishment of a secretary to oversee
it. Though no candidates have yet to be announced by the White House, several
strong contenders rumored to be under consideration include Ken Lay, former
Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and Adelphia Communications founder John
Rigas.
FBI Issues Warning Of Peal Harbor Attack Over Half A Century Late
U.S. Catholic Church Proposes Tough 3 Boys And Youre Out Policy
American Cardinals issue a new
proposal aimed at the growing scandal involving priests and minors. We
intend to demonstrate that we will not tolerate this kind of sinful behavior
anymore. Therefore were committed to a tough, stringent policy of three
boys and youre out, said Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston. While
priests around the country publicly applauded the stance and vowed support,
privately many were inquiring whether the boy tally includes past history
or begins once the ordinance officially becomes policy. It makes a
big difference for a number of us to calculate how much longer we can
remain, said a priest confidentially between confessions. A spokesman
for an organization of lay members of the Catholic church criticized the
proposal as insufficient and characterized it as yet another Cardinal
sin.
White House Denies Involvement With Coup Attempt Against Senator Daschle
White House Press Secretary Ari
Fleischer denied accusations by Democrats that the administration was involved
in the failed coup attempt of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle. Several
days ago Fleischer had announced that Daschle resigned from office
and was vacationing in the Carribean only hours after he was reported missing.
South Dakota Governor Bill Janklow immediately appointed a former Enron executive
to replace Daschle, putting the Senate back in Republican control. When a
reporter discovered that Daschle was being held as a prisoner at the US naval
base in Guantanamo Bay, he was quickly returned to Washington by embarrassed
military escorts who claimed the senator was inspecting the facilities of
Al Queda prisoners. While the White House has not hid its displeasure with
Daschles leadership of the Senate, it disputes any claims of involvement
in trying to remove him from office by still unknown rogue operatives. We
respect that Senator Daschle is democratically elected to office, we just
hope he respects that challenging a president in a time of war is
undemocratic, Fleischer said.
White House Brings In
Mr. Rogers
Government Says The
Box,
INS Grants Elian Gonzalez
A letter was received at the Miami home of the great uncle of Elian Gonzalez granting the young boy permanent status as a U.S. citizen two years after his relatives applied for it. It arrived postage due. Oh yeah this is real helpful. Ill put this with my Enron stock certificate, said Lazaro Gonzalez. An INS official explained the fact the application took 24 months to approve shows that the streamlining in government program is having results. Normally the process can take five to six years so were proud to have completed this in record time, she said. A Gonzalez cousin indicated they may still try to take action to get Elian back. Were thinking of sending the fisherman who found him back to Cuba on a raft to with these citizenship papers to retrieve him, she said.
Senate Democrats Pass Economic Stagnation Bill
Britney Spears 7th Most Profitable Corporation In U.S.
Bush Warns Of "Evil Of Axes" During Asian Tour President Bush added axes to the enemies list of the United States in a foreign policy speech delivered in South Korea during his Asian tour. The president warned that strong action may be necessary to contain what he termed the evil of axes. Many of these terrorist groups have axes to grind and they intend to use them for evil. There are future Lizzie Bin Bordens lurking out there who plan to do harm if we are not vigilant about preventing an incident with an ax or axcident, Bush told a gathering of diplomats. One of the presidents national security advisors revealed that the administration will ask congress for an additional three billion dollars in emergency defense spending to conduct research on an anti-ax defense missile system. Not all terrorist organizations are high tech and we need to be prepared for anything, he said.
Suspended French Skating
Judge
Olympic Torch Lit By Massive Fire Bomb As Warning To Evildoers
Bush Proposes Tax Cuts For The 2nd Homeless
Kmart Accused Of Shredding Profits The Kmart retail chain is accused of shredding money to hide profits after failing to retain the services of accounting firm Arthur Anderson to set up off shore tax shelters. We were hit with an unexpected windfall of cash due to unusually high sales over the holidays. This would have meant paying taxes if we didnt take extreme action, said a Kmart executive who requested anonymity. FBI agents showed up at the corporate headquarters in Troy, Michigan after receiving tips that employees were shoving piles of hundred dollar bills into paper shredders. Kmart had repeatedly tried to hire Arthur Anderson so they could successfully avoid paying any corporate tax. In a panic, one of Kmarts financial officers sent an email instructing employees to get rid of the profits using any means necessary. Kennedy Is Suspected Source Of Killer Pretzel
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