Skewpoint 2003 Archives

  

At a crowded press conference in Harlem, Michael Jackson, Kobe Bryant and 32 members of the Boy’s Choir of Harlem came forward to reveal that the late senator Strom Thurmond was their father.

  “We have gathered here collectively today to let the world know the truth about our dad, Strom. I feel I look more like him every day,” pop singer Michael Jackson told reporters.

  “The public never realized just how active Strom Thurmond was in the black community,” said basketball player Kobe Bryant.

  The Boy’s Choir of Harlem sang the jazz composition “Song for My Father” as a tribute. Surviving members of the Thurmond family have not disputed the claims. “None of this surprises us, Mr. Thurmond was known to have his dark side,” said a family spokesman. 

 

   The Fox Television Network announced that their news correspondent, Geraldo Rivera, will host ”The Mystery From Saddam Hussein’s Bunker” in a live broadcast. The veteran correspondent promises to reveal the elusive weapons of mass destruction that justified the preemptive strike on Iraq.

  “I urge the public to watch because, unlike Al Capone’s vault where I came up with dirt, I know there’s a massive stockpile of weaponry that will scare the utter bejeesus out of you,” Geraldo said by satellite phone from the location where Hussein was found.

   Fox hopes for even more viewers than the massive audience, who watched him open the vault in 1986, by concluding with a round table discussion of the discovered weapons with Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson and Paris Hilton.   

 

 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein emerged from an underground bunker to demand the surrender of coalition forces and immediate withdrawal from the country. Clutching a block of wood carved into the shape of a pistol, the bearded, emaciated, haggard and frail-looking Hussein declared victory as he stood in a night robe with fuzzy, bunny slippers. 
    
    “The U.S. might have once been my ally but now I have no use for them. They are a humiliated and defeated enemy. Good riddance, Iraq is better off without you Mr.Bush,” a defiant Hussein exclaimed.
 
  The former Iraqi dictator told reporters that he is not living in squalor but actually starring in an Iraq reality TV series called “The Simple Dictator” that is chronicling his attempt to live in a crude hideaway. “What makes this so funny is that normally I live in a lavish palace so I’m like a fish out of water here. That's why I look the way that American Taliban, John Walker did,” he said.

 

  Contributors to the reelection campaign of George W. Bush were stunned when the president made an unexpected appearance at one of his own fundraising dinners in Michigan. The visit was shrouded in tight secrecy by the White House, which had reporters believing Bush was spending a quiet evening with his wife in their residence.

  “We were so amazed to see the president walk right in and start serving us filet mignon. To think he’d take time out from his busy schedule to show his appreciation for those of us who’ve raised $30 million each for his campaign truly boosted our morale,” said one of the attendants of the affair.  

  Bush arrived in a massive motorcade with the lights turned off to avoid drawing attention as he approached the back entrance of the hotel’s banquet facilities.  There was an audible gasp in the air that turned into sustained cheers as the donors realized that the president was among them.

  In his brief remarks Bush said, “There are some who claim I’m not popular with the American people. I say to those some, you ought to come here and see what these fine, typical people of Michigan think.”  After staying for nearly an hour, Bush was whisked back to Washington.

 

     Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled his plan to rescue the state of California with a proposal he claims will bring in billions of dollars of aid from Washington. Schwarzenegger informed President Bush that his state possesses weapons of mass destruction that are unaccounted for.

  “I made it clear to the president that he must invade and secure California in a preemptive move to terminate these weapons for the security of our nation,” Schwarzenegger said.  The Austrian actor explained that once his state is occupied, the U.S. government will assume responsibility for rebuilding the state.

     Schwarzenegger indicated he will gladly relinquish control for an interim period so the state can be the recipient of lavish spending. "We'll get money for everything we truly need from new schools to hospitals, hot tubs and Hummers. How do you think I was able to promise a full recovery for California without raising taxes?” Schwarzenegger explained.

     The governor-elect consulted with defense contractors Halliburton and Bechtel in drafting the plan, which will cost at least $100 billion. Advisors to Schwarzenegger said they were encouraged to put together a wish list of everything they could possibly desire and assured by the contractors that their lobbying efforts in Washington would prevail.

     An economist who focuses on state budgetary issues applauded the strategy. “President Bush made it clear to the states that no matter how fiscally desperate they are, he doesn’t have the funds to give them a dime. Yet now California stands to cash in with a state-building program paid for by Washington. That’s brilliant,” he said.

  Asked what would happen if the weapons of mass destruction are not found, Schwarznegger said it wouldn’t matter. “We would have still saved the people of California from the ravages of a regime that caused great suffering and that alone is enough reason to invade our state,” he said.

   

      President Bush announced the appointment of a Leak Czar to investigate responsibility for publicly revealing the identity of an undercover CIA agent. “No one is more concerned about leakage than I is and that is why I have entrusted my new Leak Czar to get to the bottom of this,” Bush said at the White House.

  The president said the identity of the person will remain confidential for national security reasons and that anyone leaking the name of the Leak Czar will be considered an “evil-doer.”  Bush hopes the appointment will head off demands for an independent counsel to investigate the controversy.

     The findings of the Leak Czar will be reported directly to the president, who told reporters that he will “make no secret of his desire to take strong action against the individual or multividuals who may be involved.”

     Speculation in Washington as to the person named to this position include former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer as well as columnist Robert Novak.  

      The Recording Industry Association of America filed a $250,000 lawsuit against Osama Bin Laden for illegally downloading every song recorded by the Spice Girls. Asked how they were able to track down the elusive fugitive, a spokesperson explained, “lawyers can find anyone when a lawsuit is at stake. We got his location through his satellite Internet provider and sent a courier by camel to his cave in Afghanistan,” he said.

  According to a journalist who has interviewed Bin Laden over the years, Osama is a huge fan of the defunct female singing group and still maintains an enormous crush on Posh Spice. “I’ve heard through sources that he spends most of his time hiding in caves and listening to the Spice Girls on his MP3 player,” he said.

  RIAA hopes that going after a high profile target like Osama Bin Laden will send a clear message that the organization has the ability to find anyone who is illegally downloading music. “Even evil-doers can’t escape our reach,” said one of the association’s lawyers.

   In response to the largest blackout in U.S. history, President Bush has pledged to modernize the electrical grid in Iraq.

 “Millions of Americans suffered disruption and hardship from being without electricity. Just like the good people of Iraq ever since we liberated them. That’s why today I am devoting whatever resources are needed to have FirstEnergy and Enron rebuild and modernize the electrical system in Iraq. Perhaps someday we will be able to do the same thing here in the United States when we have the money,” Bush said from his ranch in Texas where he was having a barbecue with Ken Lay.

 Residents in Baghdad seemed unimpressed upon hearing the announcement. “ They way they’ve been running this country, we’re thinking of having a recall on this occupation,” said a shopkeeper. 

 

President Bush fully accepted personal responsibility for blaming the CIA for using discredited Iraq intelligence. In a brief news conference held in the hallway outside the oval office, which limited the press to three reporters, Bush answered questions on a variety of issues that were scripted in advance by the White House.

Bush acknowledged it was a mistake in his State of the Union address to use the ill-fated 16 words regarding Iraq’s nuclear weapons program. “I take personal responsibility for every accusation I make, so absolutely I am blaming the CIA for giving me bogus information,” Bush said.

The president also said the deaths of Saddam Hussein’s sons, Uday and Harpo, send a strong message throughout Iraq that “they won’t be coming back to life anytime soon.”     

Every reference to September 11, 2001 was blacked out by the White House for “national security reasons” in a congressional report on 9/11. National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice said connecting the 9/11 terrorist attack to 9/11 is still under investigation. “We’re waiting for the CIA to confirm this information and they haven’t been forthcoming,” Rice said at the White House.

A CIA official countered that the Bush administration ignored the agency’s reports on the incident.  "This administration’s attitude toward us is ‘let them eat yellowcake.’They’re withholding 9/11 from the 9/11 report because 9/11 doesn’t have a lick to do with Iraq,” the official said from the agency’s headquarters which may or may not be located in Langley, Virginia.

The new White House press secretary, Scott McClellan, was peppered with hostile questions regarding the blacked out dates at his daily briefing. McClellan responded that killing Saddam Hussein’s two sons was a noble cause and then announced his immediate resignation to spend more time with Ari Fleischer.

 

CIA Director George Tenet has taken full responsibility for the country’s dismal recession, record federal deficits and advising pop singer Britney Spears to “give it up” for former boyfriend Justin Timberlake.

In the tersely worded press release issued from the agency’s headquarters in Virginia, Tenet absolved President Bush of any blame. “These events should have never happened to our president under my watch and I deeply regret it, especially regarding Britney’s fine reputation,” Tenet wrote.

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said the statement by Tenet closes the case on any further criticism of the economy or deficits. “We have no comment on the virginal state of Britney. We suggest you ask the British for their intelligence on this matter,” Fleischer said.

Democrats on Capitol Hill immediately called for public congressional hearings to question Tenet. They also want to hold private hearings behind closed doors to interrogate Britney Spears.

The Mars Rover Opportunity lifted off from Cape Canaveral on its six-month flight to the Red Planet to locate Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. The Bush administration insists that intelligence analysis from NASA leaves no doubt that the much sought after weapons are hidden there. 

“Saddam Hussein may be from Iraq, but his weapons of mass destruction are from Mars. We know precisely where they are located on the outskirts of the Gusav Crater,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at his daily Pentagon briefing.

President Bush has vowed that the weapons will be found once Opportunity and the previously launched Rover Twin arrive on Mars. “We said all along prior to the war that Saddam may have sent them to another planet. Anyone who claims otherwise is engaging in what I call recidivist history,” Bush said.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has come under fire in his country for stating in speeches prior to the war, that Iraq could launch missiles from Mars that could reach London in only 45 minutes. “Perhaps he overstated the threat a wee tad,” a spokesman at 10 Downing Street conceded.    

 

 

Attorney General John Ashcroft authorized a massive diva-hunt for Martha Stewart, the embattled former CEO of her domestic business empire, Martha Stewart Omnipotent. Ashcroft described Stewart as “a highly dangerous criminal who must be apprehended for the sake of security of our nation.” He is coordinating with the FBI as well Homeland Security to send thousands of agents and sophisticated tracking and surveillance equipment to the hills of western North Carolina in pursuit of her.

Stewart issued a statement through her lawyer vowing to remain in hiding to elude capture as long as necessary. “I will establish camp in a remote region with tastefully strewn camouflage decoupage and create scrumptious meals from indigenous ingredients I can rustle up in the wild,” she is quoted in the statement. An FBI spokesman said she may be able to evade capture for years due to the difficulty of finding someone in such a rugged, hostile terrain.   

 

Doctors confirmed that numerous members of the Democratic party suffer from Mad Cowed disease, known as MCD. The affliction affects the brain by creating a debilitating intimidation by figures of authority.

”We believe it spread from a tainted snack tray carrying the bacteria during a party caucus meeting sometime last fall,” said a physician who has been diagnosing Democrats in Congress. He noted that a few members of the party have not exhibited any of the symptoms and cited Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia as an example. “He has not shown any signs of being cowed by the president,” he explained.

A frustrated party activist noted that MCD might account for the inability of so many leading Democrats to stand up to Bush on issue after issue. “No wonder they’ve been so useless as the loyal opposition in recent months. This explains the weird passive-aggressive behavior of Tom Daschle, who blasts the president one day and then profusely apologizes for it the next,” he said.

Researchers are scrambling to develop an antidote, though they warned it could take some time. As a safety precaution, the party’s presidential candidates have been quarantined from Capitol Hill. “If they became infected we might as well cancel the next election,” said a political operative at the Democratic National Committee. 

 

Telecommunications giant WorldCom is being awarded a $45 million contract from the Pentagon to overstate earnings in Iraq. WorldCom was selected over other companies due to its undisputed reputation of having perpetrated the largest accounting fraud in business history.

A Pentagon spokesman explained that WorldCom executives will teach Iraqi businessmen the techniques necessary to inflate the net worth of their companies and boost the Iraqi stock market.

Other firms with experience in this field such as Enron, Arthur Andersen and K-Mart are crying foul, claiming they were frozen out of the non-competitive bidding process for the contract. “The biggest isn’t always the best and we could have taught more nuanced approaches to earnings fraud,” said an executive of one of the competitors.

 

President Bush told supporters at a Republican meeting in Washington that he will run for reelection with Vice President Dick Cheney. The announcement ended months of speculation that he may step down after his first term to enlist in the Air Force to fly F-16’s.

“The vice president phoned me from his bunker and asked if I will serve as his front man for another four years and I agreed,” Bush said sporting the flight jacket he has refused to take off since his recent landing on an aircraft carrier.

Though Bush does not intend to formally announce his candidacy until the Fall of 2004, he is already taking steps to put together his campaign committee by soon appointing William Bennett as his finance chair. “I’m betting on him to raise a record amount,” Bush said.  

   

An outbreak in Washington, DC of SANS, severe acute nation-building syndrome, is causing growing concern about its impact on the government. SANS inflicts its victims with an addictive desire to engage in unilateral nation- building. Untreated, it can lead to an unquenchable need to seek countries with which to go to war and subsequently rebuild.

The cause of SANS and the method by which it is transmitted has not yet been determined. However, some health officials suspect it may have originated at a neo-conservative think tank where an initial case was kept secret from health officials for months.

“Vice President Cheney and Defense Secretary Rumsfeld exhibit such a pronounced case of SANS we believe it may have already mutated into a more powerful strain. If we don’t get a handle on this, by next year this administration may be invading Sweden,” said a physician with the World Health Organization. 

 

A group of vandals ransacked the suburban Virginia home of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld while he was working at the Pentagon. Stolen items included all of his chairs, power tools and a rocket launcher he kept in the shed. One of the thieves spray-painted the words 
“we feel liberated” on a hallway mirror. 

Rumsfeld commented on the incident at his daily press briefing. “What kind of craven, deranged persons would commit such a heinous crime? These individuals must be found and executed because they don’t deserve to live in a democracy,” Rumsfeld angrily said as he pounded his fist onto the lectern.

Witnesses in the neighborhood reported seeing a white van with ladders in the vicinity of the Rumsfeld estate. “Oh great, another white van sighting. We went through this with the sniper attacks. You can spot one every block from workmen,” a crime detective said.

 

Pentagon spokeswoman Torie Clarke said interviews with Iraqi prisoners confirmed that anti-war protests by Hollywood actors aided and abetted their fight against coalition forces. 

“Most of the P.O.W’s said they had no desire to fight for Saddam and would have quickly surrendered. But then they got word that liberal Hollywood actors spoke out against the war and they were inspired to take up arms and fight on their behalf. They particularly singled out Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon as their biggest motivators,” she told reporters at the daily briefing. Clarke hoped this would send a warning to others about the serious consequences of opposing the president. “We can’t bring freedom and democracy to the people of Iraq if irresponsible Americans don’t obey their government,” Clarke noted. 

An army general at a P.O.W. camp in southern Iraq disclosed that the most common possessions found among the Iraqi prisoners were wallet sized photos of Robbins, Sarandon and the Dixie Chicks. “They should all be tried for treason,” he told an embedded reporter.  

   

Fox news correspondent Geraldo Rivera and former CNN reporter Peter Arnett have teamed up for  coverage by embedding themselves with a group of Hooters waitresses in Kuwait City. The two veteran reporters were seeking a new assignment due to recent adverse developments during their  reporting from Iraq.

Rivera was expelled by the U.S. military when coalition troops threatened to take him out with friendly fire after spending weeks with him, while Arnett appeared on Iraqi TV and exclaimed “Saddam, I love you man!”

Geraldo explained the current assignment is more to their liking. “Peter and I are too old to be dragging our asses around a war zone. Besides, these Hooters girls are far more interesting,” he said. Both men will use satellite video phones propped up on beer coasters to file their reports.   

In a televised address, a somber President Bush stated that, having exhausted all efforts of diplomacy, the country signing group Dixie Chicks had 48 hours to flee the country. “I can either wait for them to aggressively attack me again or take preemptive action. I am entitled to the latter since I am after all the president of the United States,” Bush said from the east room of the White House. 

Bush explained that despite a public apology from lead singer Natalie Maines, it was too little too late. “She only made a half ass apology after several days of demands to do so. She’s just trying to string along the media with this manipulation," Bush claimed. The president also issued a warning to anyone who may assist the popular female trio. “Do not aid or abet them or you will be considered an enemy of the state as well,” Bush said. The group’s manager said they’re mulling an offer to become expatriates in Paris.  

 

The U.S. Air Force tested its most powerful non-nuclear bomb by dropping it on Hollywood, California as target practice. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld hopes that the total devastation of the entertainment capital will serve as psychological warfare to frighten Iraq. “Saddam ought to start seriously worrying about the morale of his soldiers. When they learn of the firepower of this baby, they’ll wave their underwear on a stick and surrender faster than you can say ‘France’,” Rumsfeld warned. Rumsfeld noted there was little debate about selection of the target. “Frankly it’s an area that was hostile to America so we have no regrets,” he said.

The 21,000 pound bomb known as MOAB, an acronym for “make our annihilation bitchin,” consists of three Hummer vehicles welded together and mounted with a long fuse.  “There’s enough gas in those fuel tanks to level a city,” one of the bomb’s planners bragged. Several MOAB’s are headed to Kuwait inside a B-52 to be ready for use if needed in conflict with Iraq.  

 

In retaliation for France’s vow to oppose a second U.N. resolution on Iraq, President Bush ordered that the Statue of Liberty be immediately dismantled and mailed to France postage due. The estimated cost to France for the shipment could total over $3 million.

“We no longer want any gifts from the ungrateful, uncooperational French. That statue is now tarnished beyond its appearance because of the country from which it came,” Bush announced from the oval office.

The president has requested that the National Park Service, which oversees Liberty Park, commission architect David Libeskind to design an appropriate structure to replace the gaping hole left by the removal of the statue.

Bush added that absence of the Statue of Liberty would also send a clear message that the United States no longer had an open door to “tired, huddled masses of foreigners who include terrorists.”

Democrats in congress expressed support for the president’s actions and felt it appropriate. “We needed to do something to put the French in their place so I applaud the president until I see polls indicating otherwise, at which time I will strongly condemn the action,” said Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle.

 

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld cited accounting errors for what he termed a “gross overestimation” of the cost of war with Iraq and its subsequent occupation. “The actual figure is $24.95, not the erroneous, irresponsible estimate of $100 billion. Our budget planners must have worked for Arthur Andersen or been smoking crack and they’ve been relieved of duty,” Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon.

Rumsfeld explained that licensing agreements with toy manufacturers for military hardware as well as pay-per-view battle coverage will generate sufficient revenue to nearly cover the entire operation.

“I want to make this perfectly clear to the American people that regime change in Iraq will cost less than one meal at Applebees, so all those ninny nah-sayers can stop whining about what it would do to the deficit,” Rumsfeld said. 

The Bush Administration lowered the national terrorism status in the United States from its previous high alert level of Orange. Instead of reverting to yellow however, the Department of Homeland Security created a new color category between the two and put the country on salmon alert. 

“The salmon status indicates that while citizens should remain cautious, they can take advantage of this less threatening situation to stock up on higher quality provisions such as domestic wines, cheeses that age well and vacuum sealed pate,” said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. Ridge noted that approved luxury food items would be listed on the department’s web site.

“We see no reason Americans should potentially suffer through extended periods of refuge in their basements or bunkers with only the spartan crap we had been recommending,” Ridge added. Critics of the rudimentary nature of the terror alert scale cheered the creation of a more nuanced category and hope it portends further color categories for a broader spectrum of alerts. 

 

Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that he has “irrefutable” evidence that Iraq is behind the massive snowstorm that crippled the nation’s capital for several days. “Our intelligence sources intercepted telephone conversations among Iraqi scientists discussing a secret weather machine that can cause storms of mass disruption,” Powell told the few reporters who were able to make it through the snow to the State Department. “Saddam Hussein has the power to bring our government to its knees whenever he desires to bury Washington with several feet of snow. And he could do this to Paris or Berlin. This is why we must attack him now without further delay,” Powell urged in remarks clearly intended for members of the U.N. security council pushing for more time for further inspections.  

A coalition of sixty U.S. members of Congress from both parties are proposing a bill banning all French-made products including fries, toast and dressing. “We felt the need to take substantive action against the French for their arrogant, uncooperative stand against the United States at the United Nations. If they want to coddle Saddam Hussein, they will have to pay the price with loss of trade,” coalition chairman Congressman Harley Jefferson said at a press conference on Capitol Hill. In addition to french fries and french salad dressing, the legislation targets such products as Franco-American Spaghettios. “The French will learn we’re nobody’s fool if they want to play games when war is at stake,” Jefferson said.   

Photographs of the Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones 2000 wedding at the Plaza Hotel in New York City were mistakenly used in a controversial British intelligence report to supposedly depict a secret gathering of Iraqi scientists in Baghdad. The controversial report, cited by Colin Powell in his recent presentation to the U.N., has already been criticized for plagiarizing an outdated graduate student thesis.

 

“We deeply apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused. It was due to an oversight that under normal circumstances we would have caught if we weren’t in such a damn rush to get the thing out,” a spokesman for Prime Minister Tony Blair explained.

 

Fugitive Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was spotted in a cafe in the North Korean capital city of Pyongyang. Dipping a biscotti into his latte, the leader of the terrorist organization told a BBC reporter who approached him that he chose the country as a refuge because he knew activities there were being ignored by the United States. 

“North Korea is the perfect haven for me. You can build nukes here and the U.S. government doesn’t pay attention,” Bid Laden said. The infamous terrorist also complained that he feels forgotten and neglected. ““I was once front page news. Now I make a few threats on my cell phone and the country goes code orange but I don't even get a mention for it. Frankly I feel slighted because I’m still evil,” he said.

    

Secretary of State Colin Powell presented what he termed “irrefutable evidence” that Iraq has been secretly baking weapons of mass destruction at a pretzel factory an hour from Baghdad. 

 

“Only a year ago, the president of the United States was nearly killed by one of these malicious snacks and now we have proof that Iraq has been producing them by the millions,” a scornful Powell told the hushed U.N. chamber in New York. 

 

Powell used a Powerpoint presentation to show declassified satellite photos of the factory along with bar charts illustrating projections of the vast number of people who could choke and die from these pretzels if they were afforded mass distribution.

 

“Iraq must now face the serious consequences for not being forthcoming with this sophisticated, stealth operation. I don’t even want to contemplate what Osama Bin Laden could do with a bag of pretzels,” Powell said. At the White House, press secretary Ari Fleischer noted that while Powell did not present a "smoking gun" the case for going to war with Iraq is clearly "in the bag."

U.N. Inspectors Report That U.S.  May Have Weapons Of Mass Destruction